men

So I'm at it again with the plenty of fish deal. I lost in love awhile ago...but I have to keep searching...surely he's out there right?

I've been talking to several people...email and phone only. Here they are.

1) Mr. Canadian Stud - Kevin
Location: Alberta, Canada
Race: White
Height: 5'10"
Age: 32
Notes: I am having THE best time emailing back and forth with him. We have A LOT in common and he and I have talked about everything from how we like our coffee, to our families to where we see ourseleves in the future to visiting each other's cities. : ) We play 20 questions every night and I've really enjoyed getting to know him the correct way (so far). He is my number 1 right now. By the way...he earns extra brownie points for being a teacher...I admire all people who will end up making a difference in people's lives. I'll keep you updated.

2) Mr. Cop - Joe
Location: Arlington, TX
Race: Black
Height: 6'8"
Age: 28
Notes: Don't know about this cat. I definitely have my reservations. He is only 28-years-old and his last relationship was 8 years long. He has a kid (3 years of age) from this past relationship. The 8-year relationship is cool...shows he's not afraid of commitment. And I don't mind the kid thing...as I'm sort of ready (but not ready) to make grilled cheese sandwiches and tell bedtime stories. He tells me he has never really dated before and has always been in a relationship...um let's date some. I dunno...he's super fast...not as in wanting to get in bed or anything...but super fast as in ... being all lovey dovey. While I like that stuff...dude...we haven't even met yet. Cool off.

3) Mr. Divorced Dad - Mike
Location: Houston, TX
Race: White
Height: 5'11"
Age: 30
Notes: Divorced Dad has A LOT of baggage...I mean he walked in on his wife having an affair...and now everytime he sees his son, he sees her and hates her. Not sure I really need to get myself involved in all of that. BUT...he and I have been playing 20 questions as well and he's really a sweet guy and he's in my industry and we talk a lot about everything dealing with that and it's nice to talk to someone who knows the ends and odds of your job life.

4) Mr. Basketball Coach - Trey
Location: Kingsville, TX
Race: Mixed
Height: 6'4"
Age: 28
Notes: He and I have been talking on email for about five months or so...we just recently started talking on the phone. And we've been talking every night. He's a really great guy. He's funny and really sweet. Has a smile to die for. But...not sure what to ASSUME here...he sent me a picture of his top half (shirtless)...which by the way looks extremely good...but that leaves me to assume why he sent the picture. Should I not think anything of it...or is he trying to tell me something?

5) This is no one...but I had to put him on blast...this guy named SingleAtTheMoment (wonder why) just emailed me...and I think I'm going to write him back the following which is written under his email. Does it make me sound like a bitch? Tell the truth. ;o)

His email:
"Your adorable so adorable!!!!!sh*tin factthat I've decided im going to adopt you as my newLiL sister. Don't worry, we'll spend all our timetogether climbing trees and drinking KooL-@iD. Actually you seem like a pretty cool ASS person, I'd loveto get 2gether sometime and let you cook and watch a movie!Wait! You anit crazy r you?"

My email:
Seriously? First of all...you obviously didn't read my profile, because I asked anyone who could NOT decipher words like "your" and "you're" to not contact me. And I doubt that you were just being sarcastic...because your whole profile smells of bad grammar. Second...why the hell would you adopt me or say that you're adopting me as your little sister? While I'm all up for climbing trees b/c I grew up as a tomboy, that's not my idea of a date or a good pick-up line. Third...if you think I'm some Suzy Homemaker who cooks and cleans and gets a beer for her husband...don't let the door hit you on the way out. Toodles.

economy, jobs and dreams

So being out of a job (a full-time one with guaranteed income and health benefits in the field that I enjoy) sucks. Texas unemployment sucks for being crappy and the economy really blows. At least I have something in common with 16 million other people in the country...no job.

Well tomorrow...starting until January...I sort of have one. It's a customer service job to hold me on my feet...to keep me afloat until i find my dream job or until I find A job doing something that I at least sort of enjoy.

I'm not looking forward to it...and while I should count my blessings, I totally don't want to do it. I'm trying to see a positive out of this...but I can't. I feel like I've just screwed up my whole life and looking back...I just never thought in a million years that I'd be doing this worse off at the age of 27.

Yeah while I love all of my friends and while A LOT of stuff HAS happened to me...and POSSIBLY made me stronger, I just feel so lost. I don't know what I want to do anymore. I've never known my purpose in my life, but now more than ever I want to know what it is.

Why at 22 when I had cancer (something that carries along in my family), why didn't I die when I was supposed to? Why have I not found a job where people DON'T stab me in the back? Why have I lost friends that I never thought I would want to lose? Why with what happened with me and John...why did it happen to me? I just don't have the answers and not a soul can tell me and I'm so angry with that. I'm so frustrated. Why haven't I found true love like all of my other friends have...a love that completes me?

There's so much I want to do and accomplish...but everytime I get ahead I get a swift kick in the ass to bring me six steps back. I just wonder if dreams ever do really come true?

trusting people

So obviously I've been through a lot in the last three months...and by now I should have learned that you really can't trust anyone...but I didn't really realize that until tonight...and it was over something stupid.

I'm trying to sell a bunch of stuff...stuff that's lying around my house taking up space. So I'm selling my ghetto and crappy, but free-for-me cherry wood, four poster bed. I'm selling a coffee table, a torso track with ahem...VHS tapes. I'm selling a bunch of other household items too...so if you're interested, let me know.

So in the past three months...I've been lied to, cheated on, lied to some more, been screwed over "royally" and been screwed over again by a company. After all of this...why in the hell do I feel that there are decent people out there who won't cheat and lie and screw people over? Why do I keep falling for it? Am I too nice? Am I too naive? Who the fuck built my heart, because I want them to rebuild me. Rebuild my heart, rebuild my trust capabilities...

So I put this bed on Craigslist and get several hits...mostly just questions from people which is fine...but then this lady emails me and says she's always wanted a four poster bed and that mine is a good deal and that she wants it. She doesn't have access to a truck, but she will later on in the week on Friday. So I email her and tell her it's hers if she'll come by and get it on that Friday. She says okay and I wait. Friday comes...I try to contact her and don't receive any phone call, no email, no nothing. It pisses me off...b/c while it's not pertinent that I sale the damn thing...it's just a waste of my time...and she could have called.

That is what nice people do right?

Anyways...so I finally email her, "where are you?" She explains that the truck thing didn't work out and I explained to her that she could have easily called to tell me that. Duh! So she begs for me to keep the bed until today...where she'll pick it up today (Sunday) at 6. So I leave early from my parents house to get to Dallas so she can pick up the bed. I call at 5:30 and she says she's not coming that she could only hold onto this truck till Saturday. Why couldn't her bitchass call me on Saturday? I could have spent more time with my effin parents. Why couldn't she have emailed me? I mean what is wrong with people and their effin' communications skills?

Men do it. Friends do it. Family does it. No one communicates. That's why so many people (including myself) assume everything about anything. Hell maybe that's why I've stopped friendships with people b/c they couldn't communicate their thoughts, their feelings.

I'm just so tired of trusting people to be good. I mean my parents taught me to be honest and truthful and to communicate my feelings, and yes, maybe sometimes I don't like to do it face to face...but I AM a sensitive person...and email and letters are just as good when you don't want to show or you can't show what your feelings are. At least my thoughts are in words in front of your jerk ass eyes.

I'm just tired of it all. Where is my dream job out of Texas. I want out of here immediately. I am so tired of all the fucking crap that I've had to deal with lately! People say that God only gives you what you can handle to make you stronger...well I wish God would quit trying to decide what HE thinks I can handle. You don't fucking know me...you never have...so stay out of my fucking life.

i am too friggin' nice and sometimes it bites me in the butt

UGH. Can I just say how effin aggravated I am at DaShonda. Can you get your shit together at least once?

So short story, long.

DaShonda, is a girl from high school who found me on myspace. I invited her to some happy hours with my friends so we could catch up and we've been hanging tough for a couple of months. She's been going thru some rough patches, haven't we all, and finally she gets the break of her life. This man she knows gives her money to run a catering company she's always wanted to have. So she immediately pulls me on board and tells me that she wants me to do the marketing for her and this and that and this is where I really get pissed.

First, it's just her that's in this catering company and she's given me about one or two names for the catering name. So I'm constantly thinking about ideas. Then it's working with this guy...so there will be two chefs, but she'll still run the business. So I put a hold on my marketing ideas. So then she says that this guy wants to meet me so we can talk about marketing for the catering company. That's fine. BUT...

• When I constantly ask her for a day and time of this so-called meeting, I can never get it out of her. Second, she emails me on myspace...when I've been trying to email her from my yahoo account. Really? Myspace is not where you do business. We did initially have a day set-up to meet but I had an emergency and couldn't go. But, when we finally had a freakin' day set up for the second time...she said she'd call me with the time. Never got a call from her until the day of. She explained at 10 a.m. that she would be here by 11. So of course I was late to the meeting. Then not to mention that the two-so-called chefs don't even have their name picked out. AND...not only is it them two cheffing it out...they tell me there's a third chef who is his wife.

Like can we not get our shit together? We go over business namess at this meeting and here I wanted to go over what marketing materials they'd needed and I had to sit there and think of ideas for a name for a business that THEY wanted to start. If I had known that I needed to come up with name ideas for a business...I would have researched it and not come to the meeting unprepared. I am pissed, because not only did I not have things (like a freakin' name) ready at the meeting, but I looked completely disorganized in front of this business guy. Nor did I get to show him what marketing collateral they needed or publicity they needed to start with.

So after this meeting...I'm thinking about the name we sudo-picked out that day and ways to create a logo. Since she won't answer me on my yahoo email...I email her on myspace and ask about a contract and the money aspect of it. There is no way I'm putting my time and effort into designing a logo when I could possibly not get a check out of it. So she writes back with a very short answer and says to hold off. Never says anything more...just that.

So a week passes by and she calls me and asks for me for a favor. The favor is that she wants me to cover her electric bill. I know she's been struggling, but so am I and without a job...and absolutely no money coming in...I wouldn't have any money to give her if I wanted to. She keeps begging me after I say no and then she keeps saying that "you know I'm good for it" - that may be...but I really don't have money. So she gets off the phone in a hurry and hangs up.

I felt bad so like three days later I emailed her and told her how sorry I was for not having the money for her electric bill and she replies with this bullshit:

"I was not serious about the light bill..I paid it the next day...I was calling to tell you about the situation...sorry that you took me seriously I was planning on tell you when ever you called back I guess but I was just joking...and as for you having a bunch of money I don't think that at all...I think that in most cases you are probably worst off than most because you are always complaining about money....sorry not trying to be harsh..."

After she begged me and made me feel bad on the effin phone...you reply with you were just kidding? Yeah-the-fuck-right. And bitch...I have been complaining about not having any money b/c I have no damn job. Don't go there...b/c you don't know my whole life.

So after that...a week passes by...I had gone home to be with my mom who was running for state rep (separate story there) and had just gotten back and decided to email her because I STILL had heard nothing. I mean...if you didn't like my ideas or what I had to offer (which wasn't much seeing as how I didn't prepare for coming up with a name for THEIR business), then just email me and let me know the deal is off. But then she writes some more bullshit...

"Hello..... So I left you a message that day after we talked and I told you to hold off...I stated in the message that Leon wants to go with another guy.... he meet with the guy when you where out of town and liked his ideas better so we are using him instead...sorry that you didn't get it I thought that you did or I would have spoken to you again ...sorry about the mis understanding....ttyl aI am off to work."

First of all either call me, or fucking send me an email to my yahoo account. I don't do business on myspace. Ugh...I'm just pissed off at how she handled everything. How she gave me mixed-up information and the wrong information at usually all times. Not to mention that she's been extremely short with me anytime that I've called her.

Fucking be a grown-up. Because right now I sound like one don't I? God I'm just so pissed. That's why I hate doing things for friends...they always fuck you over. And I know this and I was too nice like always...but damnit...I am not doing it again.

Ugh.