i think God tried to kill me the other night

and on that "other" night...i was kind of hoping that he would have.

i have been crying my eyes out for the past few weeks. i still can't get over john. is it because i really did love him? or is it something else? i just can't let go of these feelings and any time I talk about it to my friends...i know they're like, "damn d...shut up already, just forget him." i know they're trying their best to support me...but i just can't stop how i feel. i'm trying tho, i really am.

friday night was happy hour night at sting. drinks from 5-7, wii night and then i was supposed to meet up with this new guy. see i've been trying to date everyone and their momma to get over john...but that's not working too well...b/c after the date is over...i just sit in my car and cry thinking that i miss him. it's horrible.

anyways...i head over to wii night...it's not much fun. sorry. and it hasn't been usually when people get on their computers and crap, while said ppl are supposed to be paying attention to "wii night" instead of "online single's night". sorry...i'm picky. so i decided to jet quicker than i needed to, to meet said guy.

on my way home...driving down 380...this guy texts me and says that he should tell me something before we meet...i'm thinking...great...he has a girlfriend. instead he writes me..."so of all the time i've known you, i've been lying to you. when we first started talking, you told me your were almost 6ft...so i said i was 6'1"...i thought you were lying. i'm really 5'7"...do you still want me to come over?"

really?

needless to say...i texted him back some choice words and went on with my drive. and somewhere in the middle of that drive, i said "put me out of my misery, please."

so next thing you know...i'm sitting at a red light, and all of a sudden "a" light turns green. so i go. into on-coming traffic. needless to say that I was nearly 2 feet from a car turning. God tried to kill me...and while I don't have any thoughts of killing myself...i'd never do it....i promise....it would have been nice of him to get the whole thing done with "that night"....so then i could stop hurting...and then my friends wouldn't have to be mad that I was STILL talking about John.

i hate falling in love. i never want to do it again.



Disclaimer: Seriously people...don't even think to call 9-1-1 or something. I am not suicidal. Eventually I will forget John and stop letting him cloud my thoughts...b/c I do have lots to live for. I just haven't sought it out in a while.

there are no words to describe what i'm feeling right now

is it the way his eyelashes feel fluttering on my forehead, after my head has been laying on his shoulder for the last 45 minutes?...

is it the way i catch him looking at me when we're in the car, sitting next to each other at the movies, eating at dinner, in the dark?...

is it the way he holds my face, looking straight into my eyes and kisses me?...

is it the way he makes me feel when he says he's going to call and goes above and beyond and calls me more than he needs to?...

is it the way i feel when i see him each time?...

is it the way he constantly reminds me that he loves hanging out with me?...

is it the way he kisses me when i make kissy sounds?...

is it the way he makes my heart flutter everytime i think about him?...

is it the way he calls me every morning, midafternoon, every evening (after we've already seen each other), and every time before he goes to bed?...

is it the way he subtley leaves his clothes, his dvds, his keys, his socks laying around my house?...

I don't know what it is...but my heart is feeling something...and I am loving it like a McDonalds commercial. : D